When your brain tries to sabatoge you.

I have been writing this post in my head all day. Today was another day with Team Myles. Today we increased our intervals to 4 mins running, 1 minute walking at Point Pleasant Park. For those who are not from here, the park is beautiful on the ocean. It is also hilly, busy and full of dogs off leash. I got through the first interval, and then fell behind. I had to pee, which of course is horrible when you are trying to run. A quick stop to a well placed bathroom put me even further behind the pack and I never caught up. Now, there are over 30 of us, so I wasnt left in the dust, but I just couldn’t catch up to my mentor. I was pissed. I was mad at her for not checking back on me (selfishly). In her defense, up to this point I have successfully done all the intervals, so if I was her I wouldn’t have checked on me either. She knows me better than I know myself, and I didn’t need her beside me, and she knew it. But for whatever reason, this morning for the first time I was full of self doubt. Every mentor that checked on me (and there were a lot) asked me how I was doing, to which I responded “struggling but ok.” I wasn’t ok. At one point I was actually in tears I was so frustrated because I had to take breaks during my intervals. But I hid it. Why? Because I was ashamed. I was one of the last people to make it back and one of the women actually ran up to me to run the last with me “so I wouldn’t be finishing alone”. I know she meant it kindly but at that point all I wanted to do was walk to my car. But, I didn’t. I stayed, I stretched, and I smiled for the group pictures. Then I grabbed my snack from the car and sat on the rocks and cried. I listened to the waves, and listened to the voice in my head telling me what a fool I was for thinking I could do this. But then, in my self wallowing, I remembered at one point during my intervals I remember negotiating with myself that if I ran for 2 minutes I could rest for 30 seconds. Then it hit me. IF I RAN FOR 2 MINUTES. Up to 2 weeks ago, I couldn’t continuously run for 2 minutes. And then I started to laugh. I was laughing at myself for being such an idiot. Your brain can be your best friend and your worst enemy. Today, my brain tried to sabatoge me and I almost let it win. Almost. But now, looking back at the day, I am proud of where I am and so grateful for all the support in this group. I have also realized today that I have to be louder than the voice in my head to tell it to STFU. So the moral of this long winded story is to listen to the voice in your head so you can laugh at it. Like I did. And realize that we all are amazing for doing what we are doing at our own pace. And, if like a child you have to get mad at the person who somehow knows your limits better than you do, that’s ok too. That was my modivation to not give up today, which on any other day I would have. So next time that voice tries to surface I can quickly shut it down. I got this. We got this together.

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